Legislative response to public outcries for the mental evaluation of our nation’s political leaders has finally arrived. Psychological standards for holding office are now being considered on both state and federal levels. After years of closed-door negotiations, an APA-backed proposal defining the depth and nature of testing procedures has been drafted.
A slip-tight majority approved an independent committee’s recommendation to hold the nation’s decision-makers to the minimal standards of “at least, say, a sanitation worker.” Only the slim-jim of a disgruntled populace decided the fate of the controversial bill first introduced by senator, Wares DeBiefe.
Angry phone calls, e-mails, texts, twitters, tooters, tweets, hooters, spoots, faxes, and floots from outraged citizens nationwide so overwhelmed Capitol electronic circuits that the overloads inadvertently set off alarms. Congressional members rushed head-long into the streets as in a jail-break.
When order was finally restored by the Federal Bureau of Instigation, the panic produced by what were later assessed as “projected fears of mass conspiracy” left lawmakers so shaken, even lunch was cancelled. “They’re not accustomed to immediate response outside physical threat and the denial reflex.” an inside source told Entertainment-For-Spite amid the chaos.
“It was the perfect storm.” an anonymous aide explained after the dust settled. Congress finally reconvened — two weeks after the potential catastrophe which never happened had left the projected portent of emotional angst in the over-sensitive guilt complexes of the nation’s public servants.
I spoke with Dr. Norm Gruupe, who will oversee the testing. “Many of the aging politicos familiar with the psychoanalytic theories of the Freudian era worried about phallic issues. What the old school conceived as a classic clinging to a patriarchal power-complex — a regressive, reverse weenis-envy with anxiety-induced erectile aberration compensated by premature verbal ejaculation — we now know to be of chemical causation correlated with the mediating mechanism of male menopause; age-related functional failure of the weenis itself, which modern medicines have cured…
“The younger members were more concerned with peer approval,” he continued, “and we took advantage of that as leverage for negotiation. We finally settled on the ‘good therapist/bad therapist’ tack and separated them into random groups to test responses. Fortunately, clear-headed reason prevailed, and much needed criteria for public service were approved for consideration.”
“I don’t think the old trickle-down psychology ever worked.” Dr. Gruupe mused. While his inside experience of the political process had increased his respect for corporate interests intent on abnegating legislative restraints altogether and just allowing each individual to “go for it” in an unregulated free market, the lure of political corruption still lurked. He rummaged in his head: “The each-for-himself capitalist approach, especially in light of federal uber-reach, might just be crazy enough to work in a real free market. Anywhoo…
“To appraise the situation, we sent out market-test questionnaires with yes/no boxes. These matched up only with random statistical patterns which showed no continuity. We knew then we had a formidable task ahead of us.”
When responses were required in essay form, Dr. Gruupe explained, they had to run them through computerized code-breaking sequences to determine their actual content. “Even our most experienced psychologists couldn’t make sense of them.” he said; though, he added, it was no surprise. “Their statements were so subtle and contradictory that we couldn’t leave the grunt-work to college psych majors as we do with the general public.”
Various testing procedures were applied to determine which might be the most effective in establishing criteria for service. “General assessment began with the IQ/Deceivement Test.” Dr. Gruupe said. “High verbal acuity conflicted with low meaning-scales under comprehensive analysis and, in the end, we were forced to resort to the “Animal Metaphor Test” to arrive at a curve for evaluation.”
That test proved to be the most efficient for distinguishing motive intent in the incoherent catchword-designed articulations required for public deception. The Rorshach had resulted only in meaningless meanderings that left even test professionals confused and disoriented. Many were alarmed at the results.
Free association proved equally unproductive. “I could only describe their results as a strange hybrid of P.T. Barnum, Nietzsche, and Billy Graham.” Dr. Gruupe recalled. “The neurocognitive functions first appeared normal, but on further examination, analogical inconsistencies contrasted so starkly with any coherent parameters of organized thought that we were compelled to reject one exam after another and try more creative approaches…
“It was the appearance of neurocognitive normalcy that threw us off. Even our assessment team began to question their sanity. Think about it. They all aced the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale. Semantic and episodic memory scores were off the charts. They blew the lid off the Boston Diagnostic Aphasia, yet they were quite unable to answer a simple, direct question. We shit-canned the Ruff Figural Fluency; even considered the possibility that they may be an atavistic species of weird savant tuned to an upside-down world all their own.”
For a serious examination of the upside-down psychic world, click here.